Skip navigation

Tag Archives: Biblical Model

 

conflict

 

In Oneness of Differences

The Art of Negotiation Compromise in Marriage

 

Trenton Clark Rindoks

CCOU 304

Liberty University

October 17, 2016

 

Abstract

Within every social dynamic quarrels and discrepancies arise. Thus, it is of the utmost importance to develop skills of conflict resolution in all social situations especially in a marriage. A marriage is much more than a romantic arrangement or contractual obligation. Marriage is the second highest form of expression of love and is a covenant between two separate and yet unique people who have become one person joined together in union with God under a higher covenant or contractual agreement with the Trinity of God (Balswick & K, 2014). This concept is often misunderstood in our culture which values the pursuit of life, liberty, happiness, and places (Rindoks, 2015) . At times the desire to confirm to the ways of society or self-take priority over the biblical virtues of salvation, freedom/empowerment, joy and interdependence.

It is only from reshaping of one’s conceptions, action and mannerisms coupled with a will and need to work together in union as well as to search introspectively seeking growth that a successful foundation for marriage can be built.

Therefore, a virtuous marriage is a covenant between God and two individuals. “This union two people becoming oneness in flesh with the Trinity, should provide hope for in oneness with God the couple shall not need to have fear of going thru the process of change alone (Balswick & K, 2014).” Any growth, healing or repentance is not the any venture done by one or both parties alone but is inspired by the Holy Spirit and aided and blessed by God and as such “ If God is for  on our side  Whom Shall we Fear(Ps. 3).”

Image result for marriage conflict

Introduction

Disagreements are part of every marriage and can arise from busy schedules, financial setbacks, personality differences, views on religious, social, political beliefs, or simply out of fear. Furthermore, communication difficulties as well as unresolved feelings of hurt and influences from the couples’ families and one’s upbringing are precipitating influences of conflict or crisis in marriage and family life, Transitional or developmental stages also can cause discord within a marriage as well  feelings of feelings of low self-such as unworthiness or insignificance. (Clinton & Sibcy, Why You Do The Things You Do, 2006). If left unresolved this discord result in divorce in approximately ½ of all marriages.

Conflict Resolution in Marriage

Understanding Conflict

The greatest fear is the fear of separation or abandonment. This fear forms the foundational reason of why God created man and women to be in union or marriage with one another. Divorce not only affects and devastates the individuals directly involved but has long lasting consequences on the mind and action of the children and other family members and friends who are involved with the parties of the divorce as well. Thus, divorce is a social epidemic and the necessity for effective resolution skills and effective communication forms the foundation in the field of counseling and the lives’ of every couple.

The nature or cause of the conflict or situation at hand should be seen as the true problem by confronting the issues and facing them instead of avoiding them. This strategy allows for change by growth but it is wise to start with small areas of growth and focus on each other’s strength rather than shortcomings. “This however, often requires each party or person involved to view the problem from the other’s view (Duffield, 2013).” Patience, perseverance, courage and empathy and above all else love from God, self and each other is required during the negotiation process. Although some have a tendency to withdraw or detach from the person or situation of discord or hurt. “It is more common for men to become withdrawn from their spouse. The female satisfaction in the marriage greatly decreased especially when she used the engagement or pursuit method in an attempt to avoid strive (Kurdek, 1995). “

Many spouses have a desire to change the other person into an ideal image or self-conceived concept which in many cases is formed from preconceptions of one’s own family of origin, peer groups, religious –social – worldview and hang-ups, hold-ups and habits formed during the various stages of life before and during the marriage. This is in actuality a nearly impossible task (Beth, et al., 2003).

The key to acceptance and respect, or submission according to Thelma Wells can be found in an understanding of 1 Corinthians 13. “Within all of us is a deep bond that binds us to one another called ‘the glue of authentic love.’ This form of love is an expression of genuine care and compassion for one another.”   In meditating apply and  understanding  the wisdom of 1 Corinthians 7  the necessity of unity to be set free one’s insecurities through loving submission to Goad and another becomes  apparent.  Such insecurities and false believes form the basis for one to change another into an image of themselves rather than accepting and loving them for the diversity and uniqueness that has been created in them by God. For the primary purpose of all humanity is to love God and each other and to rely solely on him living for his glory above all else. A dependency on people, place or things will fail. Only in and through Christ can one truly find the substance of needs. When we lean to heavy on people for emotional or any other support we become beggars. When we turn to places or things or give our power to people other than God they become our Judas’ our false god’s and ultimately the means of sin and death (Beth, et al., 2003).

 

 

 The Nature of Forgiveness

A study conducted by Finchman and Beach concluded that the role forgiveness plays in resolving arguments and disagreements varies only slightly between men and women. “For wives on a 9 point scale forgives had a rating of 5.8 and for husbands 5.7 (Fincham & Beach, 2007).”Although surprisingly low, it does show that forgiveness is an ingredient in the resolution process but it illuminates there are many more variables such as the initial cause of the offense and that perception of data between genders and even the way one processes feelings of healing and hurt are often critical in reaching a mutual understanding during any actual or perceived situation of wrong doing  (Fincham & Beach, 2007). “Well-handled conflicts lead to mutual respect and closeness in an every relationships and between partners (Okafor & Osakinle, 2014).” However, this requires each person to empathize with each other’s thoughts, feelings and actions and to be able to communicate in an appropriate and effective manner so a solution to the problem at hand can bring closure. The Conflict Resolution Model offers a fruitful plan to resolve issues of dissention: “By developing expectations for win-win solutions and defining each party’s interests in brainstorming through creative options plus combining options into win-win solutions negotiation is achieved instead of compromise (Davidson & Wood, 2004).”

A Plethora of other techniques exist but all require effective and efficient communication and empathy and active listening skills. The main focus of this amended work is to provide insight and encouragement to couple in times of conflict so the social illness of divorce can be prevented or cured.

The original paper was written in the summer of 2015. However, the availability of new research and as errors were found within the original an amendment was warranted. The original contained a solid foundation of information to build upon thus it was used as the basis for the new work (Rindoks, 2015).  Although some may question this approach one may ask if the Epistle of Romans which is a synopsis of Paul’s writings and includes paraphrase from the Old Testament and contemporary works of his era has any merit or even any current work of many scholars and professional of this age. The emphasis on legalism over morality is best settled by the statement made by Paul and should be used to avoid conflicts, foster diversity and encourage unity while breaking down the barriers of pride and is included in the Epistle of Romans: “We who are strong (Moral) ought to bear with the failings of the weak (Legalistic) and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: ‘The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.’ For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God (Rom. 15: 1-7 NIV).”

The Biblical Marriage Examined

The Biblical Model of Marriage is based on the doctrine of the trinity in which the Father, Son and Spirit each are three uniquely distinctive individuals of one collective body or personas.  In the beginning and throughout all the seasons of marriage the two separate personalities that make up the unified couple become one united entity.  While both parties   retain distinct personality traits, backgrounds, strengths and weaknesses each person is united with the other and God in a covenant which is more than an arrangement. This pact of free submissiveness is not a contractual obligation or moral agreement but rather a juncture of mind, body, soul and spirit that forms the final cohesion or unity of the whole marriage – the covenant of trinity or oneness with God.

Both the bride and groom retain connection to their respective families of origin however each family is also incorporated in to the dynamic and additionally new family element is created and joined to form yet another trinity or cohesive unit. Each individual brings their respective individual strengths and weakness to the marriage which thus acts in a cumulative nature creating a stronger unit, based on interdependence, giving foundation ,empowerment and security to the whole family dynamic or unified structure as a whole (Balswick & K, 2014).

All of creation is driven to meet certain basic needs which can be divided into two primary categories of either significance or security. In a healthy marriage one must looks first to Christ to meet one’s needs and then relies on each other provide the necessary mutual support to meet matters of significance and security (Crabb, 1977).  All of mankind’s shortcomings, or sins  stem from insecurities and misplaced need which leads us to rely on our self or depend to heavily on others resulting in unhealthy relational types, false assumptions, maladjusted emotional responses, and inappropriate actions. This in turn results in conflict, as negative emotions, and communication errors lead others to react to what is perceived as hurt or harm (Beth, et al., 2003). Without the help of God and others, mutual understanding and growth conflict resolution is often unsuccessful for unmet issues of the past or present will keep resurfacing within all of one’s relationships or interactions.

While, many theories and worldviews hold the belief that one is to strive, declare and achieve independence from tyranny, seek the empowerment, and live for self-ambition. In truth all were justified and redeemed worthy only by the Blood of Christ and called to be live in an empowered interdependent relationship for the glory of God. This new citizenship and merit has freed all from the bondage of the sin and death yet is a gracious gift requiring the submission of love to God and another. Even Jesus did not act independently of his father and would frequently perform works alongside the aid of his companions. Submission can best be understood as an act of loving respect in which all parties involved merely empty themselves[1] to serve the greater good of all involved and not as an act of authoritarian control. Furthermore, submission is the action that binds though and feeling and empowers all members of the group to grow, prosper, learn develop, encourage one another, and strengthens unity of the dynamic. Through respect, trust, forgiveness, effective communication acknowledgement of strengths, the practice of disciplines submission enables the man to love the Church as Jesus loves the Church and the women to become the bride of Christ or helpmate of Adam.  In the case of marriage the two become one and are conjoined with God as they trudge the road as one in the service and glory of God.

Image result for communication

Effective Communication

Effective communication skills are not only important in resolving conflicts but the lack of proper communication is one of the primary causes of conflicts in relationships. Thus, effective communication skills are paramount for a marriage and all relationship in general. Communication consists of both verbal and nonverbal components (body language, reading etc.…) however verbal components are the more effective as they allow the listener to respond to errors of translation or miscommunication (Balswick & K, 2014). Non-verbal communication is reliant on symbolism and thus can be misinterpreted by the receiver and is easily taken out of context.

When verbal and nonverbal communication are blended effective – communication is created. Both parties interact using body language and verbal cues.  This higher form of communication is thus achieved but requires a certain degree of intuition and empathy. In using the ability to understand and define the feelings of another plus combing the aptitude to differentiate cultural, gender and personality differences effective communication and rapport is achieved. However, one must first be an active and effective listener to master the art of communication as communication requires both the ability to transmit, process and receive information if one wishes to master the art of communication.

Active-Effective Listening

Active and effective listening can be beneficial to couples in three primary areas. First, it reduces self-interest and increases interdependency. Second, it breaks down negative patterns in communication such as criticism, defensiveness (retaliation), contempt (insults), or stonewalling (avoidance, shutting down).  Finally, it proliferates the quality and quantity of the communication time and meaning (Clinton & Ohlschlanger, 2013). An efficient listening technique often taught to couples who undergo counseling is the L.O.V.E. method (Rindoks, 2015).

L.O.V.E.

L- Listen and Repeat. People frequently feel they are misunderstood because they actually are often misunderstood. To compensate for this problem in communication one party must listen reflecting on context and empathizing with the feeling of the one speaking. Then the one receiving should repeat the message. Clarification and repetition confirms that the proper context and feeling has been transmitted. Additionally, this allows the transmitter to fix any confusion of context or emotional misunderstanding aiding to harmony in congruency in communication.

O- Observe your effects. Pay attention to cues in that the message is not being misunderstood. If an error in communication occurs abruptly stop and apologize for the error.

V- Value your partner. Value uniqueness as you seek to resolve conflicts avoiding criticism and negativity.

E- Evaluate the interest of both partners. Consider substitutive resolutions that will serve the interests of all participants. Reflect on if the solution will advance spiritual growth and serve the Glory of God of both the marriage, each individual and the family and /or society in the spirit of truth, love and unity. (Clinton & Ohlschlanger, 2013).

 Image result for forgiveness

Forgiveness

In order to maintain harmony within a marriage, and for conflict resolution to be a success both parties must be willing to exercise forgiveness. The Bible teaches that in order to be forgiven one must first forgive (Matt. 6:15 NIV).  One practical model for forgiveness is known as the R.E.A.C.H. Model.

R.E.A.C.H.

R- Recall the hurt. Describe the transgression in writing and the aspiration for forgiveness including ways to transmit or receive an apology, means of understanding the transgressor(s) and transgression(s) in a new light, and finally seeking resolution to move on with one’s life through the reliance of divine intervention and is some cases with the aid of civil justice (Clinton, Hart, & Ohlschlager, Caring For People God’s Way, 2005) (Rindoks, 2015).

E- Empathize with the transgressor. Express compassion for the transgressor and attempting to see the situation from their prospective.  This allows negative feelings and loss to reducing the need to play the role or view oneself as the victim. It is helpful to reminisce on positive emotions, actions, or memories about the person or situation to aid in healing and forgiving process.

A-Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Bless the other person with the gift of forgiveness.  Focus on a time when you to committed a sin and were forgiven or even when the wrong was forgotten and embrace the feeling you received by the grace and mercy of forgiveness.

C-Commit publicly to forgiveness. In the case of serious wrong doing, hurt or abuse, many find comfort humility and healing by composing an affirmation of forgiveness and sharing this publicly with a witness. Some may wish to apologize publicly before a third-party verbally or in a group setting as a testimony of forgiveness. Others way wish to write a brief synopsis of the wrong and burn it as an offering to God. No matter the method taken all the above actions, thoughts and feelings illustrate a commitment to change and help hold each party accountable to the act of forgiveness and blossom growth, healing joy and love.

H- Hold on when in doubt. It is natural to feel anger or fear towards the offender even after one has forgiven the offense for some time. When such feelings turn to rumination, or perception of negative thought, feelings, actions, or consequences, one must not merely stop such a process but change the negative assumptions into positive thoughts or feelings about the person or situation (Clinton, Hart, & Ohlschlager, Caring For People God’s Way, 2005). When in doubt or overwhelmed hold on to positive thoughts and feelings of being forgiven yourself by others and the grace and mercy that you are forgiven in and justified by Christ alone.

Anger

Many people mistakenly confuse anger as a primary emotional response. Anger in actuality is a secondary emotional response and is a God given reaction simply telling the mind and/or the heart that some other emotion or thoughts is the cause of the disturbance (Rindoks, 2015). The Bible instructs us “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Eph. 6: 26-27 NIV).” Simply stated this instructs us to promptly deal with conflict and not react in an inappropriate manner. Rather to promptly confront the person or situation head on and deal with it in an appropriate and virtuous and constructive manner instead of one that will harm one’s self or others. Anger itself is not a primary emotion but an indicator that something else is going on within or around the person. Thus Anger, is much like what happen when we put are hand on a stove we feel the burn. We can decide to leave it on the burner continue experiencing pain damage to body and even become numb from nerve damage, we can throw a fit cuss, scream or blame other, or we can simply treat the wound, determine, the reason we put our hand in the fire in the first place and then take steps to not do it again. Additionally, if the fault is partially someone else we need to admit our part while peacefully negotiation measures so we and others do not get burnt in the future.

 Image result for Conflict resolution

Methodology of Conflict Resolution

The Rules of Fair Fighting

The Rules of Fair Fighting is a practical method of negotiation. Introduced in 1968 by George Bach and Peter Wayden it provides 14 guidelines for reaching a viable solution.  Before this time all instances of conflicts were regarded as negative and thus the tendency was to avoid issues of strife or for the stronger party to engage in control (The Compromise Resolution Method or Authoritarian Model) or use other forms of power such as overindulgences, or  engage in overprotection issues (Balswick & K, 2014). The following is a summary of the fourteen steps of The Fair Fighting Rules:

  1. Identify the issue. Identify the issue and when multiple matters exist prioritize to correlate their association handling each individually.
  2. Choose the right time. Allow time for emotions to diffuse. Chose time that is appropriate for all participants schedule.
  3. Choose an appropriate place. Choose A neutral setting that will not give an advantage or make any feel uncomfortable and is free from distractions.
  4. Begin in a positive manner. Begin with complements, praise and prayer. State the situation in an empathic manner.
  5. Stick to the issue. Stick to the issues and do not become distracted.
  6. Do not bring up the past. Some may use a tactic known as gunny-sacking in which frustration and anger is stored up and then released, thus it is important to avoid bringing up past harms and criticisms.
  7. Avoid using emotional attacks. Hitting below the belt or using emotional attacks is prohibited In Fair Fighting.
  8. Take the other perspective seriously. Avoid chuckling or ridicule, and value each other’s participation.
  9. Express anger nonabusively. Use decisive statements of feeling and avoid verbal abuse and personal badgering or other tactics of control and abuse.
  10. Do not play games. Common methods include: the martyr (“I cannot do anything right!”), faking neediness or dependency, or the victim, (poor me).  Such tactics are to be circumvented as they only stall or destroy any attempts of negotiation or sway the decision forcing a one-side outcome and thus not a mutual compromise or true resolution.
  11. Avoid passive / aggressive behavior. Passive aggression can best be defined as using sublime or even indirect means to retaliate against a person in a response to anger. This ploy is often used by passive aggressive types to gain an upper hand in an argument.
  12. Do not ask for explanation of behavior. Commonly viewed as blaming, the person being interrogated or accused cannot offer a reasonable explanation and as such this method is counterproductive as it serve to bring about discord and stall any attempts of reconciliation or forgiveness.
  13. Avoid stereotyping and name calling. Avoid derogatory words such as ignorant, stupid, childish, and the like as these only act to antagonize the situation and hurt the feelings of other person. Furthermore, stereotypes and generalities may be mistaken as attacks and should be minimized or avoid at all cost.
  14. Avoid triangulation. Triangulation occurs when a third party is brought into a dispute to gain an advantage by one side(Balswick & K, 2014).

The Rules of Fair Fighting were introduced to provide structure for conflict resolution however they serve only as the foundation for conflict resolution.

Conflict Resolution Model

“The Conflict Resolution Model was formulated by a group of Australian psychologists who studied a variety of sources in order to integrate various methods to achieve a mutually beneficial outcome in a conflict situation thus creating a best-practice prescriptive process for negotiation and resolution of discord (Davidson & Wood, 2004).” The model is composed of four parts and is designed to give both parties a win-win solution (negotiated dual compromise).

  1. Developing the expectations for win-win solutions. Mistakenly both parties enter into negotiating expecting to have an advantageous outcome. It is necessary that the problem is reframed to provide for a dual compromise, cooperation and/or mutuality if a resolution is to be reached.
  2. Defining the issue in terms of underlying concerns, needs, or interests. Using efficient communication, skills and active listening coupled with empathy; each party should define the issue without blame, criticism or negativity.
  3. Using creativity and insight various outcomes should be explored to bring resolution to the issue at hand that will be favorable to all parties involved.
  4. Combining options into win-win solutions. Select from the best available alternatives that will yield the maximum benefit and provide a resolution to the conflict at hand benefiting all parties. If an agreement is not reached repeat the process.

In a newer derivative model known as PET which is often considered a management strategy the results are reviewed at a later date and then if the issue is still relevant the negotiation procedure is reviewed, revised,  returned to and continued  until a satisfactory resolution is achieved (Davidson & Wood, 2004).

Image result for Conflict resolution

Conclusion

Conflicts are part of life.  Efficient communication active listen skills and forgiveness form the basis for all conflict resolution. It is of the upmost importance that in conflict resolution a solution is reached that brings unity, harmony and is of mutually beneficial to all parties involved in the resolution process. Occasionally this may require sacrifice on the part of one party, however it usual result in a dual compromise after negotiation and sacrifice from all participants involved in the tumultuous action. In most cases it involves brainstorming. Conflicts arise from miscommunication, feelings of hurt or harm especially when one’s security or significance is actually or perceived to be threatened.

Often originating from insecurities in development and other issues during the various stages of life it is essential for one to heal from past transgressions and forgive the wrongdoing of self and others.

Marriage is a covenant between the Trinity or three personalities of God and the couple. Thus, it is essential couples learn to work out their differences using the skills of conflict resolution. All of creation was created for relationship and all relationship is based on love. Thus it is important we carry the virtue of love in all are interactions on a daily basis.

In God, Christ and Spirit,

Trenton Clark Rindoks

 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Cor. 13:4-8 ).

 

References

Balswick, J. O., & K, B. J. (2014). The Family. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic.

 

Beth, M., Briscoe, J., Wilson, S. D., Hart, K., Hager, D., Wells, T., & LaHaye, B. (2003). A Women and Her God: Life Enriching Messages: Extraordinary women. Brentwood: Integrity Publishers (AACC).

 

Clinton, T., & Ohlschlanger, G. (2013). Competent Christian Counseling (Vol. 1). Colorado Springs: Water Brook Press.

 

Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Why You Do The Things You Do. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

 

Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager. (2005). Caring For People God’s Way. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

 

Crabb, L. (1977). Effective Biblical Counseling. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

 

Davidson, J., & Wood, C. (2004). A Conflict Resolution Model. Theory into Practice, 43(1), 6-13. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/3701559

 

Duffield, B. (2013). Reasons Why Conflict in Marriage Can Deter Divorce. American Journal of Family Law, 208-211. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1418169371?accountid=12085

 

 

Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (2007). Longitudinal Relations Between Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(3), 542-545. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.21.3.542

 

Kurdek, L. A. (1995). Predicting change in marital satisfaction from husbands’ and wives’ conflict resolution styles. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 57(1), 153. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/219763197?accountid=12085

 

 

Okafor, V. C., & Osakinle, E. O. (2014). CONFLICT RESOLUTION THROUGH EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. Interdisciplinary Journal of Contemporary Research in Business, 5(9), 321-334. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1511427147?accountid=12085

 

Rindoks, T. C. (2015, Summer). Conflict Resolution in Marriage. CCOU 301, Liberty Univeristy, 1-12. Munford, Tennessee, United States of America: Hades 1 Solution. Retrieved from http://hades1solution.tumblr.com/

Footnote:

[1]Kenosis: To free oneself of affliction, loss, control, over-indulgence, habits,  fear, anxiety, pride,  false assumptions and adopt the mind and heart of Christ… : “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross (Phil 2:5-8) !”

Image result for phil 2: 5

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: